Cathleen Schine's They May Not Mean To, But They Do is an honest and intense look at what eventually happens inside every family (if they are lucky), the passing of the torch from the eldest generation into the hands of the next generation in line. This is not always a clean and easy process and families handle it in many different ways, some more successfully than others. Here Schine shows us how the Bergman family of New York approaches the problem - and what happens next.
Eighty-six-year-old Joy Bergman now lives alone and Molly and Daniel, her two children, are worried about her. Between them, Molly and Daniel come up with several viable solutions to Joy's multiple problems (as they understand them to be) with sadness, loneliness, and the dangers of her living alone. No one should be surprised when Joy immediately and adamantly rejects each and every solution offered...but, of course, Molly and Daniel are shocked by her response. As Joy digs in her heels, reconnects with an old college admirer, and begins to carve out a new way of life for herself in the apartment she has called home for decades, Molly (who now lives in Los Angeles) and Daniel (who lives near Joy in New York City) grow more and more frustrated with their mother and each other.
Cathleen Schine shines a bright light (excuse the unintended pun) on a situation that more and more families are facing now that so many of us are living well into our nineties. Schine shows both the humor and the frustration that is inevitably tied to the experience that children, many of them well into their sixties themselves, face when caring for their aging parents. I laughed out loud at some of what Joy was putting them and herself through, and at other points in the narrative, I felt more like crying. Schine nails it here; there is a lot to laugh about and a lot to cry about for those faced with this situation in coming years.
They May Not Mean To, But They Do is a nice primer for what we all have ahead of us - again, if we are among the lucky ones. After reading this one, you can't say that you weren't warned.
I can't believe it. Just a couple of days ago, I read some articles about this. How people in their 70s are using all their retirement funds, and losing all their retirement plans because their parents are living into their 90s and beyond. We are going through this ourselves, though Tom's mother is in a nursing home and some people have it so, so much harder because they take care of parents themselves. But still there are money issues regardless of the exact situation.
ReplyDeleteIt's a much more common problem these days, Nan. I was 72 when my father died, and it was a running joke between us that I was older than some of his friends living in the same facility he lived in. It was definitely a struggle, but for some strange reason it did not sink into even my own mind that I was "elderly" until he died. Suddenly, the torch was passed, and it sunk in that I was next in line. Thankfully, he money did not quite run out before his death. It was pretty close, but he planned well. I do recall several of his friends having to leave the facility and move in with children who themselves were a decade into retirement themselves after their funds had run out. It was all very hard for me to watch, and I can only imagine what it was like for everyone in the assisted living facility to have to watch it happen over and over.
DeleteHi Sam, It's a big subject that can tear families apart because siblings often don't agree on the kind of care Mom or Dad should be given or one sibling takes on all the caregiving responsibilities while the other siblings go on with their lives. There are families that never face these issues but as you say with people living longer It's becoming more common.
ReplyDeleteVery true, Kathy. This is a stress-point that can so easily break up a family even after the loss of one or both parents. Especially as regards those cases where one sibling takes on all the day-to-day caregiving and others go on with life as if nothing is happening. Sometimes it's a geographic issue, but not always. As the primary caregiver for my father, I can vouch for the resulting exhaustion (both mental and physical exhaustion) that often results. I was dad's caregiver for over a dozen years, and it was a full-time job even though he didn't physically live with us.
DeleteTrying to take care of aging parents can be so hard! I can see why this book would make you want to both laugh and cry.
ReplyDeleteNovels like this one are a good reminder that we're all in this together...and that for every bad time, there is probably going to be a good time.
DeleteI did not realize that this happens so much now (or really at all). Very interesting, and definitely a novel like this is needed to shine a light on the problem. My husband and I are both in our early seventies and lost our parents years ago.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, Tracy, it may be happening more now than ever because so many people are living into their mid-nineties and beyond. Those folks often have no one to depend on as overseeing caregivers other than their almost-elderly children. Personally, I was 73 when my father died (my mother had been gone for over 20 years by then).
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