A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents - and Ourselves

Caring for one aging parent or in-law for an extended number of years can be, and usually is, a tremendous physical and mental burden on the caretaker.  But these days, when more and more of us are living beyond our capability of taking care of ourselves, some caretakers find themselves caring for two, three, or even four elderly relatives.  I, for instance, have been primarily responsible for my 89-year-old father’s care for the past eighteen months – and just when his health has stabilized these past few weeks, my mother-in-law is struggling with dementia issues that require my wife’s daily attention.

Jane Gross, author of A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents – and Ourselves, has been there.  Gross, with some help from her brother, was her mother’s caretaker for almost three years, from the time the siblings moved their mother from Florida back to New York so that she would be closer to them, until they finally buried her in 2003.  Gross’s story is somewhat unusual in that her mother made the decision for herself when it was time to go.  Effectively, with the understanding of her two children beforehand, she committed suicide by refusing to take in any more food and water.  The important message of the book, however, is what happened between her move to New York and her death.

The first lesson Gross learned is that neither she, nor her mother, were at all prepared for what was ahead of them, starting with the role-reversal that required Jane Gross to become her mother’s mother.  She also faced the question of how a family can get through the end-crisis of a parent without forever damaging the relationships of the siblings left behind?  As Gross points out, the caretaker (usually female) can hardly be expected to endure the experience without building deep-seated resentment of the siblings whom her efforts allow to go on with the routines of their own lives.

Gross offers tips, and details, about dealing with all the forms and regulations of Medicare and Medicaid, two programs almost impossible to understand and deal with effectively without the help of third party advisers.  The chapters dealing with these two Federal programs, and how to best use them to the patient’s advantage, are alone worth the price of A Bittersweet Season.   

But perhaps the most unnerving chapter in the book is the one pertaining to “hospital and emergency room delirium” among the elderly population.  For reasons that no one can really explain, approximately one-third of patients over the age of seventy will experience such hospital-induced delirium.  This delays scheduled procedures and requires the extra attention of the hospital staff and patient families – adding significantly to the cost of the hospital stay.

Bad enough, but the real tragedy is that only 4 percent of these patients are back to normal at the time of their discharge, with another 18 percent fully recovered at six months from the date of discharge.   It appears that many of those not recovered within six months will never fully do so because the early-stage dementia they entered the hospital with (of which most are blissfully unaware) has been “unmasked” and accelerated by their hospitalization.  (This, I am convinced, explains my mother-in-law’s sudden and rapid descent into dementia, while my father recovered from the symptoms within 6 weeks of discharge.)

Author Jane Gross

A Bittersweet Season is an important book for those who are already in the midst of taking care of a helpless parent – and for those who see themselves approaching that situation.  I wish this book had been available two years ago, before I became totally immersed in my father’s healthcare and financial wellbeing.  It would have helped prepare me for what was to come.  On the other hand, even though I learned the hard way much of what Gross writes about, it is still comforting to be reminded that I am not alone; a rapidly growing army of us is going through the same thing. 

Read this book – for the good of your parents, and yourself.

Rated at: 5.0

(Provided by Publisher for Review)

Will Troy, Michigan, Allow Its Library to Close

The citizens of Troy, Michigan, have a decision to make on August 2.  Are they willing to pony-up the tax revenue needed to keep the city's public library open - or not?  Apparently, there is a good chance that if the tax increase fails to pass, the library will be closed on August 12 - unless the city council makes changes to its budget to somehow cover the shortfall.

Now someone in Troy is making sure that everyone there gets the news about the pending vote - by planning a book burning party to dispose of the library's contents if the tax increase fails to pass.  There's even a Facebook page to promote the book burning party (satirical, one assumes), although, according to this TroyPatch article, a whole lot of people don't think this is satire.  They think it's real.

And then there are some, like this man, who are all for the library closing shop for good:

Johnathon Dresbach

There are many other libraries at neighboring cities that anyone can use. It seems that residents that use the Troy Library are either from rental apartments, Sterling Heights, Shelby, Rochester Hills or other local cities. I have used it once in 25 years, we have the internet for everything now, why should we have to pay HEAVY TAXES for their MISMANAGED FUNDS, and USELESS spending habits. Then in 5 years they want more taxes, we shot is down once, it needs to be not approved again. Residents are smarter than City Hall, close the library, it is no more than a coffee shop for loafers and people that need to get a life or have no life. INTERNET is where it is at!

At least this issue is getting the attention it deserves. Sink or swim, citizens of Troy, it's all up to you guys.

Saturday

Henry Perowne seems to have it all.  The neurosurgeon has a satisfying medical practice, two successfully raised adult children whose mother he still finds sexy, his dream car, and he lives in 4,000 square foot home in the heart of London (imagine what that must be worth).  Life has been good to him, and he has every reason to expect more of the same for a long time to come.  Henry, however, is about to receive one of those reality checks that life sometimes throws at even the best-prepared of us.

It all starts to come apart for him before daybreak on Saturday morning when, for a reason he cannot explain, Henry finds himself standing in front of his bedroom window just as a flaming airplane streaks across the sky on its way to an emergency Heathrow landing.  Because his first thoughts are of terrorism rather than mechanical failure, the sight reminds Henry how very different the post-9/11 world is from the world in which he raised his children and established his career.

Later, as he leaves the house to begin his day off, Henry has to make his way past thousands of protesters who are there to protest Britain’s decision to join the U.S. in its fast-approaching war against Iraq.  When he finds a policeman willing to let him save time by driving across a cordoned off section of road, Henry jumps at the chance – only to drive right into a minor fender-bender that will haunt him for the rest of his life.  The other driver, whom Henry is about to meet for the first time, will figure prominently in the book’s climax.

Saturday, though, is not a plot-driven book.  McEwan has, instead, invited his readers to spend a day inside the head of his main character, Henry Perowne.  Perowne is a relatively conservative man, much to the dismay, at times, of his daughter.  The two, for instance, vehemently disagree on the necessity and morality of the upcoming war with Iraq, even to the point of an argument that ends with her in tears.  We are witness to the strong bond between Henry and his son, one centered on their mutual love of American jazz, and to the pride that Henry takes in his wife’s professional successes.

But McEwan offers more than that.  We are given a glimpse into the mindset of a man who, now that he has made it, is finally beginning to wonder what drives the people he encounters at home, at the hospital, and during his leisure time.  Henry is a solitary man, dependent on no one, but he is about to find how unprepared he is when it comes to having the skills and instincts sometimes required if one is to survive in the real world, a world in which there is always someone willing to take what they want if one is too weak to stop them.

Ian McEwan is a master and a craftsman - in the positive sense, that he has constructed a novel here, layer by layer, which very subtly, almost stealthily, immerses the reader into the world he has created for them.  It is a world, a lifestyle, and a family, which I will long remember.

Rated at: 5.0

Is Your E-Reader Destroying Your Love Life?

Lisa Lewis

From The New York Times Complaint Box comes something else for users of e-book readers to worry about...singles, that is (or married ones looking to flirt a bit in public, for that matter).  According to one Lisa Lewis, the darn things are ruining her love life.

Lisa complains that the new gadgets are depriving her of her tried and true, best pick-up line: "I love that book."  If she can't tell what the guy is reading, she can hardly break the ice with her old standby line - and she is unwilling to take a shot in the dark because of the real possibility that what the guy is reading on his e-reader will be a real turn-off to her.

As Lisa cleverly puts it, "You can't tell a book by its Nook."

To her credit, Lisa mentions several instances of "bookish" conversations of the non-romantic type she has had with public readers, conversations that remind me of a few similar ones I have had.

Read the piece; you'll like it.  And, check out Lisa's blog for more of her thoughts.

This Book Is Overdue: How Librarians and Cybrarians Can Save Us All

The “best of times, worst of times” cliché certainly applies to today’s librarians and to the modern libraries in which they work.  Patrons have learned to expect and to demand services from their libraries that were all but unheard of not more than a decade ago.  Today, libraries are expected to give precious shelf space not only to books, magazines, and newspapers, but also to audio books, CDs, and DVDs.  Much precious floor space is given over to computers so that patrons can (supposedly) do research and (even more supposedly) access what used to be called the library’s card catalogue system.

Old-school librarians must feel as if the rug has been pulled from beneath their feet.  Freshly minted librarians will be better prepared, but even they are having to scramble to keep up with the freight train bearing down on them.  Marilyn Johnson’s This Book Is Overdue: How Librarians and Cybrarians Can Save Us All is probably aimed more at librarians themselves than it is at their customers, but heavy-duty library patrons should also take a look.

Johnson focuses on the changing roll of the librarian – and how librarians everywhere are directly involved in rewriting their job descriptions.  Interestingly, despite the rapid fire changes that librarians are dealing with, what is perhaps their most important role is not really changing all that much: they are still the gatekeepers of the information being sought by library patrons.  Librarians still, if they are good at what they do, know the best way to find the information being sought by their customers.  They know not only how to find it fastest, but whether to trust what they find.

Author Marilyn Johnson

This Book Is Overdue takes a look at librarians themselves, not just at their job duties.  What Johnson has to say about them might surprise readers whose only impression of librarians comes from what they see at the library.  Johnson, while she does seem to agree that librarians are a bit of a “type,” wants her readers to know that there are some real characters in the ranks.  There is a chapter on librarians who hit the streets during protests, offering information, via smartphones, that will be useful to protesters and those being protested, alike.  Another highlights the efforts of a small group of librarians who set a national precedent by protesting the intrusion of The Patriot Act into the privacy of their patrons.

One of my favorite chapters is the one in which Johnson looks closely at the efforts of a group of professional and amateur librarians who have created working libraries within the popular Second Life software.  What these men and women have accomplished is amazing – especially since what they do in Second Life is every bit as time consuming and difficult as what they do in their day jobs. 

My other favorite is the chapter on librarians who blog – I’ve run across more than a few of these myself and have enjoyed both the irreverent ones and the more serious ones.  Johnson’s point is that the blogging world is where librarians can be themselves (even to the point of sometimes having to hide their true identities) and can have real fun with their fellow readers.

This Book Is Overdue is for dedicated readers and the people we depend on to keep us supplied with the book-fix we need to make it through our week.  It is not the easiest thing to read (I did find the author’s style to be a little dry, at times) but it is well worth the effort.

Rated at: 3.0

Happy 4th - and Coming of Age in 1950s Manchester, England

As Available on gear at Cafe Press

Happy 4th of July holiday to all U.S. readers out there.  I hope you are enjoying the day with your family while taking a few minutes to reflect on the history represented by this holiday.  We will be leaving in an hour to do some eating and partying with friends - a great way to end what has been a four-day weekend for me.  I won't begin thinking about all the work waiting for me at the office until I leave the house in the morning; there won't be any avoiding it at that point.

I've had a great day of reading in Howard Jacobson's The Mighty Walzer.  Imagine the unlikelihood of a novel about a Jewish introvert growing up in 1950s Manchester, England, who discovers by accident that he has a tremendous talent for competitive ping-pong.  Pretty slim chance that you would want to read this one...right?  Me, too...but it's turned out to be quite a compelling story about coming-of-age in that era and in that community.  Think Philip Roth squared and you have an idea about how this one reads.  I'm just over 300 pages into this 388 page book, so I'll be finishing it tomorrow.

I've also been able to burn backup DVDs for all the video I shot at ROMP 2011 week before last and will be working on the audio files as soon as I can get to them.  It's a tedious process, but one that has to be done in order to ensure that all my effort will not have been wasted by some fluke or accident.

Anyway, guys, Happy 4th and good reading to you all.